Interview with Khidr

Preface from the narrator:

About seven months ago, I was at a HOME DEPOT near Turner’s Falls, Massachusetts, US of A, looking for a good water-based polyurethane for a floor remodeling project I was contracting on at the time, and (Benjamin Moore is good brand but they don’t stock it at the Depot), as I was walking down the paint and thinner aisle, this Home Depot employee passed me, middle aged to late mid age maybe and Semitic looking who immediately caught my eye. In the first place, it is frankly kind of a rare thing seeing Semitic type people working at a Home Depot, especially with that prophet Ezekiel kind of wildness to the hair and eyes. Mostly at Home Depot you get the fellas who used to work on the DPW crew, or maybe old iron workers too old to work height, and women, if there are any, are usually ex-apple packers or ex-factory worker types. So I noticed him straight-off, especially since the carpenters’ apron he was wearing was the most brilliant green color imaginable, and most Depot employees wear orange.

So I thought about it for a moment, thinking that if I was wrong, I’d probably get socked for being some kind of pervert or something, but something in me said, ‘hey man, better go for it’ and I did, and sneaked up to him kind of like I was checking out different brands of paint rollers, and when I was standing next to him (he had a clip-board and looked like he was taking inventory or something) I quick reached out and grabbed him by the apron, and said ‘A boon! I demand a boon!’

Well, he kind of startled, and then he shushed me just like I was a child (people was looking) and then he told me to come with him, and he took me to the employee lounge out back, although I am not, of course, an employee, and that’s where he gave me this interview. We were alone mostly, except for two old chicks who came in for a smoke at one point.

 

Me: You’re Khidr! (I kind of loud whispered)

Khidr: Yeah, yeah, I know my name. (when he said that it give me a thrill. I mean I wasn’t absolutely sure until then.)

Me: Jesus! You really are Khidr!

Khidr: (kind of huffy) No one’s spotted me since ’92, and here I am with…..you. Why didn’t you go hunting Britney Spears?

Me. What’s the matter with me?

Khidr: Nothing, nothing. Nothing.   I mean, I once sold Helminski two pounds of eight- penny galvanized nails, and he said nothing.  Looked preoccupied.  So what do you want from me? Wine, women or song?  Money?   Fame?

Me. I….I thought you could give people….. enlightenment.

Khidr: I am only an agent of enlightenment to the nearly enlightened. Your type of fella gets genie stuff.

(That kind of pissed me off.)

Me. Hey, ever think that you’re perhaps misjudging me? I mean, I did spot you, after all.

Khidr: Ah, maybe you’re right.   Could be.   ( I reflected a moment.)

Me: I thought you had, like infallible judgment about such things.

Khidr. I’ve had a cold. Can’t taste a thing.  Khafi’s all blocked.  Can’t dhawk worth a damn.  Sorry.     Does that bother you?

Me: I mean, this is not exactly how I would have envisioned this meeting….

Khidr: I’m not up to your expectations.?

Me: It’s just…… it’s just you don’t seem as…..what’s the word….. ….mysterious…. as all those Sufi stories make you out. I mean, I kinda thought you would speak, like, ‘Lo, man, seest thou what thy actions have wrought…’

Khidr: What do you want? I just spent the last 11 years working in lumber yards and building supply stores within 30 miles of here.  I don’t speak in King James. People who quote me tend to punch up what I say to them anyway.  Make it more impressive.  More gravitas.   Its an ego thing for them.  (There was a pause)

Me: So. You’ve actually been here for 11 years?.

Khidr: Yeah. In town for eleven years. In the US since ’58. But enough small talk. What exactly is it you want?

Me: Wisdom. I want wisdom.

Khidr: Wisdom? You want wisdom? Eat plenty of vegetables and make sure you save for retirement.

I paused. I really couldn’t tell if he was pulling my chain. Finally I said:

Is this like one of those mysterious Sufi directions where I don’t die of cancer in the gutter somewhere if I follow some simple directions? Because you see the future?

Khidr: Sure. You’re welcome to believe that. But think about this. First you think that I’m too much of a hick to be wise. Then I tell you that my Khafi’s on the fritz. Then you think I’m so wise that you’ll readily live in fear of two stupid platitudes for the rest of your life if I tell you to. I’m supposed to be impressed by this level of perceptivity?

Me: See? I could use some wisdom. Talk to me for twenty minutes, and then you’re free to go.

Khidr. I am always free to go. But I’ll humor you if you go away quietly and never tell anyone about this, or ever write even a single word about it.

Me. Deal.

Me. Okay, let’s start. You say that you’ve been in town for 11 years, and that you’ve been in the US since 1958. I mean, I never thought you actually lived anywhere. I mean, I thought you went from the ether to some Damascus souk, then back to the ether. Would never have wildly imagined that you punched a timeclock.

Khidr. Yeah, I’ve been around for twenty-six hundred years, but I always have lived somewhere. Now it’s here. As my grandmother always said, you always got to be somewhere.

Me: I just figured that that somewhere would be eternity, not Turners’ Falls.

Khidr. Turners’ Falls is in Eternity..

Me. Now we’re getting somewhere!

Khidr. (Sighing) My then. You’d certainly better take notes.

Me. You’ve been in the US since 1958?

Khidr. Yes, I came to the US then.

Me: So, like why are you here? Did you have a reason for coming?

Khidr: It’s complicated, and you would not understand. Suffice it to say that I received the signal that indicated that I should come here. To America.

Me. Signal?

Khidr. Yes. A certain sort of signal when it is time for me to change my residence and my current mission.

Me. So. Back in 1958… what was the signal that sent you to the US?

Khidr. Well, when I was in Cypress I was listening to the US Armed Forces radio station, and they were playing a song, I think it was Chuck Berry’s Maybellene …..

Me. Yes?

Khidr. That was the signal.

Me. That was the signal?

Khidr. Yeah. Left for New York the next day.

Me. I’m sorry, I’m having a little trouble with this picture, bro.   I mean, you’re Khidr for Crissakes.  Why Chuck Berry?  It just seems awful strange....

Khidr. Would you be more impressed if I told you that I had gotten some telepathic communication from Sarmoun?

Me. Did you?

Khidr. Idiot. I told you. I heard Chuck Berry’s Maybellene and knew it was time to go to the US.

Me. It just sounds kind of ….. kind of screwy.

Khidr: Look.  It was a spiritual event. Not a sock-hop. The Universe momentarily paused on its axis.  Only a fool requires an important moment of change to look like something important. Your mistake is assuming that what is important must look like it is important.

Me: Okay, okay. So what have you being doing here since 1958?

Khidr: Well, I was a fry-cook in Gaithersburg Maryland for a few years, and did some odd jobs after that…

Me: I mean, how can I say this? Are you taking a break from all this saving mankind stuff? I mean, fry-cook…..

Khidr: Jesus. Not twelve seconds ago I tell you that your mistake is assuming that what is important must look important. And you go okaying me without anything I’m saying making the least impact. What are we doing here?

Me: I’m sorry. I just couldn’t figure out how being a fry-cook could possibly be…..an appropriate….mission for a….person of your stature……(I was locked up pretty good). I mean, what good, if I can ask, did you do as a fry-cook?

Khidr: Good Lord. We have saturated science-fiction movies, novels, and tv shows for the last fifty years with this stuff, and still you have no imagination in that regard. Haven’t you heard this stuff so often that you will think it a cliché’? But if you so lack imagination that you must be told, I gave a particular, schmuck four-star general a case of ptomaine right at the height of the Cuban missile crisis. Six days in the hospital, sitting on a toilet.    Was trying to convince Kennedy to launch a first strike.   Without him around, well, things corrected themselves nicely.

Me: You saved the world from nuclear attack!

Khidr: Yeah. You could say that. Then I had to make sure that Kennedy was killed.

Me: You had Kennedy killed!

Khidr: Yeah.

Me: Yeah? Yeah!? Why would you do that?

Khidr: I don’t have the time to explain, and you don’t have the wit to understand.

Me: I got to write me Oliver Stone.  Jesus.  And you did these things by being a fry-cook and such?

Khidr: That’s the thing. You can do anything by doing anything if you know where to press.

Me: So, you’re not just hanging-out here in Turner’s Falls? I mean you have a mission here?

Khidr: My dear fellow, as I might say if I was still at Oxford……. I am controlling human evolution from Turner’s Falls.

Me: Working at the Home Depot.

Khidr. Yes. By working at the Home Depot.

Me: So you chose the Home Depot…

Khidr: (interrupting) Didn’t choose it. It is the only place in the Universe where the entire span of human evolution, human history can be controlled from, at this moment. Aisle 7 is the Axis Mundi. ( I kind of had to get up and walk around a bit at this. Sitting down again…)

Me: So let me ask you, for real, what is presently going on with human evolution, human history…… and what are you planning or He planning to do with it?

Khidr: Well, if I told you, I’d have to kill you.

Me: Old joke.

Khidr: Yeah, it is, but I’m serious. I am willing to tell you what is unfolding currently in human history, and what is about to happen to mankind as a species, and how it will all occur, and who will do what to whom, and when. And then you catch sight of God. But my only condition is that I will have to kill you after. I’ll even give you a couple of hours after I tell you so that you can have a beer or two…… to ponder the elegance of it all.

Me: You got to be kidding me. Do you mean some kind of fana thing?

Khidr: While I am Khidr, I’m not kidding. And as to fana, yes, something like that. But your body will also be dead.

Me: Tell me the whole truth and then kill me! Why would I want to do that?

Khidr: Billions of people have died for a lot lamer things.

Me. No, thank you. Not today.

Khidr: Just offering.

Me. No. Thanks again. But let me ask you. Did you know I would turn you down?

Khidr: Of course.

Me: I thought your khafi was blocked.

Khidr: Did I say that?

Me. Yes you did. So why, then, did you ask me if I wished to die if you already knew?

Khidr: It is one of the most important lessons I can teach. Just about all purported seekers will turn and run as fast as they can if they are in fact given an opportunity to become a finder. Reflect on this point for a while after this meeting, and then six years from now. (Something about how he said it made me suddenly very grateful.)

Me: I will. I have so many questions.

Khidr: You got ten minutes left.

Me: Ten minutes?

Khidr: We bargained for a twenty minute conversation.  Ten have gone by, ten are left. Anyway, I got to get back to doing something about the Taliban shortly…

Me: Whew. I thought you were back to killing me again. Okay. Okay, let me ask something that people have wondered about for a long time…..

                                                    Back to Blaketashi Homepage